Author: Joe Zimmerman
Experts confirm subject is unlikely to suffer physical consequences, but may never know peace again.BROOMFIELD, CO — Area resident and part-time food expiration optimist confirmed Monday that he accidentally consumed a slice of moldy bread, setting off what experts describe as “an entirely emotional emergency.”According to sources familiar with the incident, the snack appeared normal at first inspection.It even tasted normal.Witnesses say the victim continued eating until discovering a small patch of mold on a separate slice still inside the bag.”It was at that point,” said the victim, staring into the middle distance, “that the timeline became important.”Investigators immediately began…
Experts say the kingdom’s succession plan failed to account for what happens when someone spends 70 years imagining how they’d run things. KINGDOM OF WESTERMARSH — After waiting more than seven decades to inherit the throne, Prince Reginald III finally achieved his lifelong dream of becoming king at the age of 74, instantly becoming both the oldest first-time monarch in the kingdom’s history and the strongest argument against delayed gratification ever recorded. “Most people wait that long for retirement,” said royal historian Edwin Thatch. “Reginald waited that long for absolute power.” The new king entered office promising prosperity, stability, and…
Authorities estimate the suspect has stolen hundreds, possibly thousands, of items directly from financial institutions while maintaining a calm demeanor and excellent credit score. WASHINGTON, D.C. — Federal investigators today admitted they remain unable to identify or apprehend a notorious bank thief believed to have operated continuously across multiple states for more than seven decades. “Frankly, we’re dealing with a professional,” said one exhausted investigator while standing in front of a board covered with maps, photos, and entirely unrelated strings. “This individual walks directly into banks during business hours, makes no effort to disguise their identity, spends several minutes surveying…
Take it all in America’s national parks are some of the best places on Earth. Whether you’re standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon, wandering through Mesa Verde, walking beneath the giant redwoods of Muir Woods, or exploring the mountain landscapes we enjoy here in Colorado, it’s hard not to be impressed. They’re also one of the few places left where you can put down your phone, take a deep breath, and remember that nature has been doing just fine without your social media account. After years of wandering through parks, monuments, forests, historic sites, and the occasional tourist…
Don’t be a dick.It’s a surprisingly effective long-term strategy.
SlotZilla Zip Line: Flying Like Superman Over Fremont Street Las Vegas is full of attractions promising the experience of a lifetime. Some deliver. Some separate you from your money in record time. SlotZilla fortunately falls into the first category. Located at the eastern end of the Fremont Street Experience, SlotZilla launches riders high above downtown Las Vegas and sends them soaring beneath the massive Viva Vision canopy. The attraction opened in 2014 and has become one of the signature experiences of old Vegas. [visitlasvegas.city], [fremontstr…rience.com] The giant launch tower is built to resemble an oversized slot machine complete with showgirls,…
There was a time when traveling required a map, a compass, several months of provisions, and a willingness to die of dysentery somewhere west of Missouri. Today we have GPS, smartphones, satellite imagery, weather radar, online reservations, and approximately 47,000 travel blogs explaining where to buy the best croissant in Paris. And somehow we still manage to take the wrong exit. Welcome to our Travel Guides, a growing collection of useful information for people who would like to see interesting places without accidentally turning a relaxing vacation into an expensive logistical shitshow. These guides are about figuring out the important…
Welcome to the Tech Section of Should I Buy This Crap Technology is amazing. Technology is also one of the few industries where perfectly happy people convince themselves they need to spend $2,000 to solve a problem they didn’t know they had yesterday. Welcome to the wonderful world of tech. A place where: And somehow we’re all still here buying this crap. The Upgrade Cycle Never Ends Every tech enthusiast eventually learns a difficult truth. The perfect setup does not exist. You buy a new GPU. A faster one gets announced. You build a new PC. A better CPU arrives.…
Motherboards are funny. Nobody gets excited about motherboards. People get excited about CPUs. People get excited about GPUs. People get excited about benchmark numbers. Meanwhile the motherboard quietly does all the hard work while everyone pretends it doesn’t exist. The Gigabyte X870E AORUS Master is one of the few motherboards that actually made me appreciate the motherboard itself. Not because it magically made my system faster. It didn’t. Physics remains stubbornly undefeated. What it did do was make building, upgrading, and maintaining my system genuinely enjoyable. The EZ-Latch system. The tool-free M.2 installation. The diagnostic display. The oversized cooling. The…
Welcome to the Dog Stuff Section of Should I Buy This Crap Dogs are wonderful. Dogs are loyal. Dogs are loving. Dogs are also tiny contractors hired to convert money into poop. If you’ve ever rescued a dog, you’ve quickly discovered the rescue fee was merely a down payment on a lifetime subscription service. The monthly fees include: And somehow, despite all of that, we keep signing up for more dogs. Welcome to life with a dog. The Household Fur Distribution System Scientists still don’t fully understand how one dog can generate enough fur to build two additional dogs every…