Author: Joe Zimmerman

Excellent Crap That Half of Colorado Tries to See at the Same Time Every year, sometime around late September, the aspens up here decide to show off. The mountains turn gold. The hillsides light up. The air gets crisp. The sunlight hits the trees just right. And approximately seventeen million Front Range residents simultaneously announce: “We should drive to the mountains this weekend.” Welcome to fall in the Victor and Cripple Creek area. The Crap at a Glance If you’ve never driven through the southern Rampart Range and the high country around Victor and Cripple Creek during peak fall colors,…

Family members confirm door opens immediately if handle is lifted approximately one-eighth of an inch.WOODLAND PARK, CO — Residents of a local household confirmed Tuesday that a long-running dispute between a woman and her front door entered its seventh consecutive year despite repeated demonstrations of the door’s surprisingly modest requirements.According to family members, the disagreement began when the home’s aging front door developed a minor quirk requiring users to lift the handle slightly while turning the key.Sources say every member of the household mastered the technique within minutes.Everyone except one.”It’s actually incredibly simple,” explained one relative. “You just lift the…

Holy Crap, Somebody Built a Town Inside a Postcard Some places are beautiful. Some places are scenic. And some places look like a graphic designer got drunk and accidentally maxed out the “dramatic mountain scenery” slider. That’s Ouray. The first time you roll into town, your brain immediately starts making comparisons. “Looks like Switzerland.” “Looks like a movie set.” “Looks fake.” Nope. It’s real. And somehow even better than the pictures. I absolutely loved Ouray. The mountains are spectacular. The town is charming. The history is fascinating. The hot springs are fantastic. And after a few days there, I started…

Expensive Crap That’s Somehow Worth Every Penny I wanted to hate San Francisco. Not because the city did anything wrong. Mostly because people never stop talking about San Francisco. Every travel list recommends it. Every California itinerary includes it. Every photograph looks suspiciously Photoshopped. At some point you start assuming the place can’t possibly live up to the hype. Then you visit. And the annoying thing is that it absolutely does. The City Is Basically Showing Off Some cities have one good view. San Francisco looked at that concept and decided it was for quitters. You can be standing on…

Holy Crap, Trees Are Bigger Than I Thought There are places you visit because they’re famous. There are places you visit because Instagram told everybody to go there. And then there are places you visit that quietly remind you that human beings are tiny, temporary creatures living on a damp rock hurtling through space. Muir Woods is one of those places. I expected beautiful trees. I got existential forestry. This place is absolutely magical. Not “that’s a nice park” magical. Not “that tree is pretty big” magical. I mean standing underneath a living thing that was already hundreds of years…

Excellent Crap Hiding in Plain Sight When most people think about vacation destinations, Clovis probably doesn’t immediately come to mind. That’s a mistake. I only spent a short time there, and I left feeling like I’d barely scratched the surface of what the town has to offer. Clovis isn’t flashy. It isn’t trying to be the next big tourist hotspot. It doesn’t have giant mountains, casinos on every corner, or enough souvenir shops to bankrupt a cruise passenger. What it does have is character. And sometimes that’s better. The Crap at a Glance At first glance, Clovis feels like a…

Excellent Crap for History Buffs, Shoppers, Wine Lovers, and People Who Accidentally Learn Things on Vacation Some towns survive because they have one famous attraction. Fredericksburg somehow collected several. You can spend the morning learning about German immigrants, the afternoon wandering through local shops, the evening listening to live music, and somehow end the day realizing you’ve accidentally learned more Texas history than you did in twelve years of school. That was pretty much my experience. I originally expected a pleasant Hill Country stop. What I found was a town that manages to balance tourism, history, shopping, wine, food, and…

Beautiful Crap Held Together With Potholes I’ve been visiting Corpus Christi on and off for years. Every time I come back, I find myself having the exact same conversation. “Man, this place is beautiful.” Followed immediately by: “Sweet mercy, did that pothole just qualify for historical landmark status?” Corpus Christi is one of those places that’s incredibly easy to love and equally easy to criticize. You’ve got beaches, fishing, fresh seafood, ocean views, Mustang Island, Padre Island, the USS Lexington, and some genuinely beautiful neighborhoods overlooking the water. Then you drive literally anywhere. Welcome to Corpus Christi. The Good Stuff…

Excellent Crap for People Who Actually Like Coffee Some products try to reinvent coffee. Some products convince you that you need a smartphone app, AI-powered bean analysis, and a grinder that costs more than your first car. And some products quietly sit on your kitchen counter every morning making really good coffee. The Ninja Specialty Coffee Maker CM401 falls into that last category. I’ve owned mine for years, and while it certainly isn’t perfect, it does something that a surprising number of coffee makers fail to do: It consistently makes a great cup of coffee. That’s ultimately why it’s still…

Excellent Crap for Players Who Want Options The Gibson Les Paul Traditional Pro V is what happens when somebody looks at a classic Les Paul and says: “You know what this thing needs? More knobs that do secret crap.” At first glance, it looks like a fairly traditional Les Paul. You get the mahogany body, carved AAA flame maple top, four familiar control knobs, and a gorgeous Blueberry Burst finish that can change dramatically depending on the light. Then you start pulling those knobs. Suddenly, you have coil splitting, coil tapping, phase reversal, inner and outer coil selection, high-pass filtering,…