Author: Joe Zimmerman

There was a time when dogs had simple lives. They ate whatever fell off the dinner table, slept on the floor, drank from questionable puddles, and entertained themselves by barking at things that may or may not have existed. Nobody bought them orthopedic memory-foam mattresses. Nobody worried about whether their shampoo contained oatmeal. Nobody stood in the middle of a pet store comparing the nutritional merits of freeze-dried pumpkin treats while the actual dog was at home happily chewing on a dirty sock. Times have changed. Welcome to Dog Stuff, where we review the products, treats, grooming tools, toys, accessories,…

Human flight is miraculous. Think about it. For most of human history, traveling across the country required horses, wagons, ships, questionable drinking water, and a very real possibility that you’d simply disappear somewhere around Nebraska. Today, you can wake up in Colorado, climb aboard an aluminum tube with wings, complain that the Wi-Fi sucks, eat seven pretzels, and be standing beside the Pacific Ocean before dinner. We’ve somehow turned one of humanity’s greatest technological achievements into: “Jesus Christ, they’ve changed our gate again.” Welcome to our Airline Reviews, where we look at the companies entrusted with getting you, your luggage,…

Travel is supposed to broaden the mind. It also empties the wallet, tests the bladder, introduces you to hotel plumbing of questionable engineering, and occasionally leaves you standing in an airport wondering which particular sequence of poor life choices brought you to Gate B47. Welcome to our Travel Reviews, where we visit places, spend our own damn money, wander around like semi-responsible adults, and report back on whether you should bother doing the same. We’re not professional travel influencers. Nobody is flying us to Bora Bora so we can photograph breakfast floating around a swimming pool while pretending syrup near…

A Ridiculously Blue Les Paul Custom That May Have Already Slithered Away There are guitars you buy because you need a particular sound. There are guitars you buy because they fill some practical hole in the collection. Then there are guitars you see and immediately start inventing reasons why owning another guitar is somehow a responsible adult decision. My Epiphone Les Paul Custom Quilt Viper Blue falls pretty squarely into that third category. This isn’t merely a blue Les Paul Custom. This particular version uses a quilted maple veneer beneath the Viper Blue finish, giving the top a shifting, almost…

Some guitars are exciting because they’re temperamental. They fight you a little. Maybe they hum like a refrigerator from 1973. Maybe the tuning stability depends on atmospheric pressure, moon phase and whether you looked at the tremolo wrong. Sometimes that’s part of the charm. My Fender American Ultra Luxe Stratocaster isn’t that guitar. This thing is my Sunday driver. It’s comfortable. It’s smooth. It’s predictable. It starts when I turn the key. And if I want to take the scenic route through twelve guitar pedals and enough gain to communicate with nearby satellites, it doesn’t complain. It just goes. That’s…

There are few experiences in modern life quite like flying. You hand an airline hundreds of dollars, surrender your dignity to airport security, cram yourself into a seat apparently designed around the skeletal dimensions of a 12-year-old, and hope everybody involved remembers where the airplane is supposed to go. Usually, that’s the deal. Our return flight from San Francisco decided to renegotiate it. Throughout the day, Delta kept sending us updates that our flight was delayed. Then delayed some more. And then, just for variety, delayed again. Fine. Shit happens. Airplanes are complicated. Weather exists. Crews get displaced. Airports become…

GRISTLE CREEK, MT — In what residents are calling “the most efficient local government action in living memory,” the Town of Gristle Creek voted Tuesday evening to abolish its own municipal charter following a seven-hour council meeting typically reserved for arguing about drainage ditches, unauthorized rooster ownership, and whether the town Christmas tree should continue leaning 12 degrees to the left. The motion passed unanimously after council members discovered that eliminating the government entirely was the first proposal in decades that nobody immediately hated. Witnesses described the vote as emotional. “There was laughter, there were tears, there were threats,” recalled…

Friends say hosts prepared a flawless feast before a single sentence changed history. WOODLAND PARK, CO — What began as an ordinary Friendsgiving gathering ended in legend last November when a local man reportedly interpreted a simple instruction in the most literal way humanly possible while attempting to carve a turkey. Witnesses say the evening had gone perfectly. The hosts prepared a lavish holiday meal featuring homemade sides, desserts, and butter-baked turkey that attendees would later describe as “suspiciously excellent.” The only challenge remaining was carving the bird. Sources confirm the host possessed absolutely no experience doing so. “I don’t…

Friends later clarify he was supposed to make several assumptions not included on the map. AURORA, CO — A Colorado man house-sitting for friends reportedly followed a hand-drawn map so literally that the excursion culminated in an interstate highway, a United States Air Force installation, military detention, and eventually a federal espionage conviction. According to court records, the incident began innocently enough when the man agreed to watch a friend’s house and walk their dog. Before departing, the homeowners provided a simple hand-drawn map. The instructions were straightforward. “Go down Alameda and turn on 1st Street.” Authorities say this was…

Excellent Crap You Can Drive To If Walking Sounds Terrible America has a lot of mountains. Some require technical climbing skills. Some require months of preparation. Some require enough physical fitness to make your lungs file a formal complaint with management. And then there’s Pikes Peak. Pikes Peak looked at all those difficult mountains and said: “What if we just built a road to the top?” As a result, it may be the most democratic 14er in America. You can hike it. You can bike it. You can take a train. Or you can simply drive to the summit while…