All of the News Barely Fit to Print
There is already plenty of serious news in the world.
Wars.
Elections.
Economics.
International diplomacy.
Natural disasters.
Highly consequential matters requiring experienced journalists, careful reporting, reliable sources, and adults who occasionally wear jackets.
That’s not what we’re doing here.
We’re interested in the smaller disasters.
A local government meeting that accomplishes absolutely nothing.
A neighborhood disagreement escalating far beyond the importance of the original disagreement.
A family gathering nearly destroyed by potatoes.
A traveler confidently following directions into increasingly questionable territory.
These are not historic events.
Most won’t be remembered next Tuesday.
But for one glorious moment, they become:
BREAKING NEWS
And we’re going to treat them with all the seriousness they absolutely do not deserve.
Small-Town America Is Doing Just Fine, Unfortunately
Small towns are among our richest sources of journalism.
Everybody knows everybody.
Everybody knows everybody’s business.
Half the town is related.
The other half isn’t speaking to one another because of something involving a fence in 1997.
Public meetings frequently begin with zoning ordinances and somehow end with an elderly man demanding answers about why the Christmas decorations weren’t installed until December 3rd.
This is democracy at its purest.
The issues may be small.
The emotions are not.
Our reporters will continue monitoring America’s fictional and semi-fictional communities for important developments involving:
- Local government dysfunction
- Neighborhood disputes
- Questionable civic priorities
- Mysterious construction projects
- Parking controversies
- Seasonal decorations
- Petty arguments
- Suspiciously aggressive homeowners associations
- Minor inconveniences elevated to constitutional crises
Somebody has to protect the public’s right to know.
Unfortunately, it appears to be us.
Local Woman Experiences Minor Inconvenience, Community Braces for Impact
Not every crisis requires government intervention.
Sometimes one person can create a perfectly respectable emergency all by themselves.
Maybe the Wi-Fi stops working.
A restaurant forgot the ranch dressing.
Somebody’s package was delivered seventeen feet from where they expected it.
These moments test the human spirit.
Some people calmly investigate the problem.
Some try another solution.
Others immediately begin constructing a personal tragedy so elaborate that passing neighbors become unwilling members of the supporting cast.
Those are the pioneers we’re interested in.
Human civilization did not reach its current level of absurdity by quietly solving problems.
Sometimes there’s yelling.
Sometimes there’s crying.
Sometimes somebody else eventually walks over and fixes the problem in approximately four seconds.
And somewhere nearby, our imaginary news van has already arrived.
Family Gatherings: America’s Original Reality Television
Before television producers figured out they could place dysfunctional strangers inside a house and film the consequences, humanity already had:
Thanksgiving.
Family gatherings contain everything necessary for compelling journalism.
Long-standing grievances.
Alcohol.
Children.
Food.
Competing traditions.
Unsolicited opinions.
At least one relative who arrived late.
Another who brought something nobody asked them to bring.
And a kitchen operating roughly three degrees below the threshold for nuclear fusion.
Sometimes everything goes beautifully.
Everyone eats.
Everyone laughs.
Memories are made.
Other times somebody becomes emotionally invested in stuffing.
Either way, we’ll be standing nearby taking notes.
Our Investigative Standards Are Questionable but Enthusiastic
Real journalists verify facts.
They interview sources.
They review documents.
They seek comment.
They carefully distinguish reporting from opinion.
We occasionally start with:
“You know what would be funny?”
From there, the investigation deteriorates rapidly.
That does not mean we’re trying to fool anybody.
Quite the opposite.
This is satire.
The ridiculousness is the point.
Real situations may inspire stories, but once they enter The Satirical Newsdesk, they’re liable to emerge with imaginary witnesses, unnecessary experts, overwrought civic responses, and a reporter treating someone’s inability to operate a household appliance like the collapse of Western civilization.
Names can change.
Towns can change.
Circumstances can become absurd.
The important thing is that somewhere underneath all the nonsense lies something recognizable.
Human beings are ridiculous.
Including us.
Especially us.
Experts Confirm We Needed a Quote Here
No serious news report is complete without an expert.
Fortunately, our standards for expertise are flexible.
A minor neighborhood disagreement may require analysis from a fictional professor of suburban conflict.
A Thanksgiving catastrophe could demand consultation with an imaginary gravy specialist.
An airport inconvenience might justify commentary from someone identified only as a senior transportation analyst despite apparently working from his garage.
Are these people real?
Probably not.
Do they possess impressive titles?
Absolutely.
And in modern society, that’s at least halfway there.
Breaking News: Ordinary Thing Continues Happening
Modern news has taught us that practically anything can be breaking.
BREAKING NEWS.
A company announces something.
BREAKING NEWS.
Weather occurs.
BREAKING NEWS.
Someone posts something online.
DEVELOPING STORY.
We admire this commitment to urgency.
That’s why we intend to apply it to substantially less important events.
BREAKING: Area Man Unable to Locate Object Directly in Front of Him.
DEVELOPING: Local Couple Enters IKEA, Relationship Status Unknown.
EXCLUSIVE: Colorado Resident Buys Snow Shovel, Immediately Causes Six-Month Drought.
Finally.
Journalism addressing the issues that affect almost nobody.
Sometimes Reality Does Most of the Writing
The difficult thing about writing satire is that reality refuses to stay in its lane.
Every so often something happens that’s so ridiculous that embellishment becomes unnecessary.
You hear the story and think:
Nobody is going to believe this.
Those are gifts.
We’ll still exaggerate.
We’ll still wander off into absurdity.
We’ll still treat minor events with hilariously inappropriate gravity.
But the best satire usually contains something true at its center.
A recognizable behavior.
A familiar frustration.
A personality everybody has encountered.
Sometimes the funniest stories aren’t invented.
They’re merely observed carefully and reported irresponsibly.
Nobody Is Safe, Including the Writers
Good satire works better when the joke isn’t always pointed outward.
We’re perfectly capable of being idiots ourselves.
We make bad decisions.
We get annoyed about trivial crap.
We buy things we don’t need.
We overreact.
We occasionally look back at something we’ve done and think:
Well, that was fucking stupid.
Excellent.
That’s an article.
The Satirical Newsdesk isn’t about standing on a mountain declaring everybody else an idiot.
It’s about recognizing that humanity is collectively ridiculous and we’ve generously contributed our share.
Is This Real?
Probably not.
Possibly.
That’s half the fun.
But since apparently lawyers enjoy clarity almost as much as writers enjoy ruining it:
The Satirical Newsdesk publishes humor, parody, satire, exaggeration, and fictionalized material.
Stories may be inspired by ordinary experiences, cultural observations, travel mishaps, family chaos, local absurdities, or the strange behavior of our fellow humans.
Details may be exaggerated or fictionalized for comedic purposes.
If you’re reading a story here and wondering whether the mayor actually deployed the National Guard because somebody parked a Winnebago beside the library:
Probably not.
Although we’d still recommend checking the local paper.
Welcome to The Satirical Newsdesk
Below you’ll find our latest satirical news, small-town catastrophes, neighborhood emergencies, family disasters, travel absurdities, local characters, and breaking developments of almost no public consequence whatsoever.
Our correspondents are standing by.
Mostly because we couldn’t afford chairs.
If something stupid happens, we’ll investigate.
If nothing stupid happens, we’ll wait five minutes.
Humanity rarely disappoints.
Welcome to The Satirical Newsdesk.
All the news that’s unfit to print, but unfortunately happened near somebody we know.
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Would you come to lunch with me?The meal is free.My treat, you see. No, I would not come to lunch.I’d rather stay at home and munch. Would you come and have a beer?I’ll buy the drinks.The place is…
