WASHINGTON — On the eve of Election Day, millions of exhausted Americans reportedly gathered around their televisions Monday night, filled with childlike anticipation that when they awoke the next morning, the magical season of being repeatedly informed that democracy would end if they voted for the wrong county treasurer would finally be over.
Across the nation, families dimmed the lights, silenced their phones, and stared wistfully at televisions that had spent the previous four months alternating between pharmaceutical commercials and ominous black-and-white photographs of politicians standing next to words like RADICAL, DANGEROUS, and WRONG FOR COLORADO.
Parents reportedly tucked their children into bed with assurances that, yes, tonight was finally the night.
“Go to sleep,” whispered local father Gary Thompson, gently pulling a blanket over his 8-year-old daughter. “When you wake up tomorrow, the scary woman saying Senator Jenkins personally released 14,000 murderers into your neighborhood will be gone.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
“And the man who keeps saying Representative Collins wants to tax Grandma’s oxygen?”
“Him too, sweetheart.”
Witnesses described the atmosphere across America as unusually peaceful.
For the first time in months, citizens from both political parties stood united beneath the autumn sky, staring toward the heavens and listening hopefully for the beautiful sound of absolutely nobody approving this message.
Some families even left cookies and milk beside their televisions for whichever mysterious constitutional entity eventually comes during the night and removes the advertisements.
“I don’t know if it’s Santa, the Federal Election Commission, or some exhausted network employee clicking a checkbox,” said Colorado resident Dennis Parker. “Frankly, I don’t care. Whoever stops these commercials can have the whole damn plate.”
The evening marked the conclusion of what historians describe as the cherished American tradition of spending hundreds of millions of dollars ensuring that no citizen can watch six minutes of Jeopardy! without learning that someone running for the state legislature once voted against puppies.
Campaign advertising reached its traditional late-season crescendo over the weekend, when virtually every commercial reportedly began with footage of a playground, farm, American flag, frightened senior citizen, or poorly lit photograph of an opponent who appeared to have recently escaped from a federal penitentiary.
“Tom Reynolds says he’s fighting for Colorado families,” one advertisement reportedly began. “But can Colorado families trust a man who voted with Washington liberals 73% of the time?”
Nobody watching knew who Tom Reynolds was.
Nobody knew what he was running for.
Nobody understood what the 73% referred to.
But after seeing the advertisement 46 times during one football game, several viewers admitted they had begun to suspect Tom Reynolds may have personally caused inflation.
Meanwhile, Reynolds’ campaign responded with its own advertisement accusing his opponent of wanting to give fentanyl, nuclear weapons, and taxpayer-funded spa vacations to undocumented immigrants.
Both advertisements ended with increasingly tiny text explaining that they had been paid for by organizations with names such as Americans For Responsible Freedom Prosperity Families PAC, which appeared to have been created roughly three weeks earlier in a Delaware mailbox.
By nightfall, however, Americans were no longer interested in who had funded anything.
They wanted silence.
“I voted,” said Nebraska resident Carol Whitaker. “I did everything you people asked. I registered. I researched the candidates. I filled out the ballot. I even read the judges section.”
Whitaker then stared directly into the distance.
“Please stop yelling at me.”
Political analysts confirmed this phenomenon may represent the country’s strongest remaining bipartisan consensus.
Democrats want the ads to stop.
Republicans want the ads to stop.
Independents want the ads to stop.
People who have no idea there is an election want the ads to stop.
Even campaign workers reportedly want the ads to stop but are contractually obligated to pretend that America desperately needs to see the same elderly rancher leaning against a fence for another 36 hours.
Shortly before midnight, families began turning off their televisions and preparing for bed.
Children reportedly struggled to sleep, excited about what morning might bring.
Would their favorite shows return?
Would YouTube stop showing 30-second lectures about property taxes before a four-minute video about fixing a lawn mower?
Would the mailbox once again contain ordinary junk mail about gutter guards and hearing aids rather than twelve glossy photographs of politicians pointing at things?
Nobody knew.
But there was hope.
And as Americans drifted peacefully to sleep, one final political advertisement echoed faintly through the darkness.
A gravelly voice warned that everything they loved could disappear forever.
Millions of Americans smiled.
Because this time, they knew he was right.
The political ads were about to disappear.
And for one beautiful morning, America finally had something everyone could celebrate.
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