Author: Joe Zimmerman
“I spent 25 years thinking this song had no purpose,” local man reports. WOODLAND PARK, CO — After decades of dismissing late-’90s boy-band music as a regrettable cultural accident that should have been buried alongside dial-up internet and frosted tips, local man Joseph has reportedly developed a profound new appreciation for the genre after discovering that playing “Bye Bye Bye” causes his niece to rapidly vacate whatever room she is occupying. “I was completely wrong about this song,” Joseph said, watching his niece disappear down a hallway approximately eight seconds after the music began. “For years, I judged it strictly…
FORT WORTH, TEXAS – In a touching display of holiday generosity immediately undermined by a highly specific exclusion, a local mother reportedly offered to bring her daughter any pie she wanted for Christmas dinner, provided that pie was not cherry, which witnesses confirm is the only kind of pie the daughter actually likes. The negotiations began innocently enough. “What kind of pie would you like me to bring?” the mother asked, opening what the daughter mistakenly believed was a question. “Cherry.” “No, I’m not making cherry.” And thus began a holiday diplomatic crisis rivaling anything ever conducted with flags, translators,…
Statement immediately praised, condemned, misquoted, clarified, walked back, and described as “deeply concerning” by people who may or may not have heard it. WASHINGTON, SOMEWHERE — A politician said something Tuesday, sending shockwaves through a political system that had previously been occupied with a different politician saying something else. The remarks came during an appearance before several microphones. “We’ve been very clear about this,” the politician said, referring to something officials later acknowledged had not been particularly clear. The politician went on to reaffirm a previously stated position while leaving open the possibility that the position could change depending on…
Executives describe announcement as “significant,” decline to elaborate on significance, announcement, company, or something. CHICAGO, IL — In a development expected to have wide-ranging implications for several things, a major company announced Monday that it has officially reached an important decision regarding an ongoing matter. The announcement was made during a hastily scheduled press conference attended by company executives, industry analysts, members of the media, and several people who apparently knew what was going on but refused to explain it. “This represents an important moment for our company,” said the company’s president. “We’ve spent considerable time evaluating our options, listening…
Humanity has accomplished extraordinary things with technology. We split the atom. We landed people on the Moon. We built a global communications network capable of transmitting nearly all accumulated human knowledge to a device carried in your pocket. Then we connected the toaster to Wi-Fi. Progress is complicated. Welcome to Tech & Gadgets, where we review the phones, electronics, accessories, smart devices, peripherals, chargers, networking gear, and assorted blinking crap that modern civilization has decided we cannot possibly live without. Some technology genuinely improves our lives. Some solves problems. Some creates entirely new problems and then offers a subscription service…
All of the News Barely Fit to Print There is already plenty of serious news in the world. Wars. Elections. Economics. International diplomacy. Natural disasters. Highly consequential matters requiring experienced journalists, careful reporting, reliable sources, and adults who occasionally wear jackets. That’s not what we’re doing here. We’re interested in the smaller disasters. A local government meeting that accomplishes absolutely nothing. A neighborhood disagreement escalating far beyond the importance of the original disagreement. A family gathering nearly destroyed by potatoes. A traveler confidently following directions into increasingly questionable territory. Someone discovering that modern technology has failed to compensate for their…
The modern computer is one of humanity’s greatest inventions. It can perform billions of calculations, render entire virtual worlds, simulate complex systems, edit professional video, generate artwork, run artificial intelligence, and provide immediate access to nearly all recorded human knowledge. Naturally, we mostly use it to argue with strangers and watch videos of dogs falling off couches. Welcome to Computer Components, where we review graphics cards, processors, motherboards, memory, storage, power supplies, cooling systems, cases, and the other expensive electronic crap required to build a computer. Some components provide enormous improvements. Some offer small improvements wrapped in enormous marketing claims.…
Human beings have been cleaning things since the first caveman looked around his cave and thought: “Jesus, this place is a dump.” For most of history, cleaning technology consisted of water, cloth, brooms, brushes, buckets, and whoever in the household drew the short straw. Then electricity arrived. Suddenly we had vacuum cleaners. Carpet cleaners. Steam mops. Wet-dry vacuums. Cordless stick vacuums. Robot vacuums. Upholstery cleaners. Machines specifically engineered to remove stains caused by other members of the household who contribute absolutely nothing toward the mortgage. Civilization had advanced. And yet somehow the floor is still dirty. Welcome to Cleaning Gear,…
For most of human history, cooking was fairly straightforward. You had fire. You had food. You put one near the other and hoped nobody died. Eventually civilization advanced. We invented pots. Knives. Ovens. Refrigerators. Microwaves. Dishwashers. These were genuinely useful developments. Then, at some point, we apparently ran out of important kitchen problems and started inventing countertop machines capable of performing tasks previously accomplished with a bowl and moderate wrist movement. Welcome to Kitchen Gadgets & Devices, where we review the appliances, gizmos, contraptions, electronic miracle boxes, and assorted culinary crap competing for the rapidly disappearing counter space in your…
The guitar is a remarkable instrument. Six strings, a piece of wood, some magnets, and enough emotional baggage to keep the music industry operating indefinitely. In responsible hands, it can produce everything from delicate classical music to blues, country, jazz, rock, metal, and whatever horrifying noise somebody makes after discovering alternate tunings at three in the morning. In less responsible hands, it becomes a decorative object leaning against an amplifier while its owner shops online for another guitar. Welcome to our Guitars section, where we review electric guitars, acoustic guitars, affordable guitars, expensive guitars, strange guitars, beautiful guitars, and instruments…