There was a time when dogs had simple lives.
They ate whatever fell off the dinner table, slept on the floor, drank from questionable puddles, and entertained themselves by barking at things that may or may not have existed.
Nobody bought them orthopedic memory-foam mattresses.
Nobody worried about whether their shampoo contained oatmeal.
Nobody stood in the middle of a pet store comparing the nutritional merits of freeze-dried pumpkin treats while the actual dog was at home happily chewing on a dirty sock.
Times have changed.
Welcome to Dog Stuff, where we review the products, treats, grooming tools, toys, accessories, cleaning equipment, and assorted canine crap that has somehow become part of our lives.
We own dogs.
Although after reviewing the financial arrangements, it’s increasingly unclear who owns whom.
Our Dogs Have Better Shit Than We Did Growing Up
Modern dogs have achieved a standard of living previous generations of humans could only dream about.
Beds engineered to support aging joints.
Specialized shampoos.
Designer collars.
Filtered water fountains.
Dental treats.
Puzzle toys.
Supplements.
Rain jackets.
GPS trackers.
And gourmet treats containing ingredients that wouldn’t look remotely out of place on the menu at a farm-to-table restaurant.
Meanwhile, when I was a kid, I drank directly from a garden hose.
Nobody tested the hose for BPA.
We just assumed the metallic flavor built character.
This enormous world of dog products creates a fairly obvious question:
Does your dog actually need any of this shit?
That’s what we’re here to figure out.
Dog Product Reviews From Actual Dog People
We’re not reviewing this stuff from a laboratory while wearing white coats and taking notes on clipboards.
We live with dogs.
Which means products eventually encounter the toughest testing environment known to mankind:
an animal that has absolutely no respect for how much you paid for something.
You can spend $48 on a scientifically engineered chew toy constructed from a proprietary polymer developed by aerospace engineers.
Your dog will sniff it.
Walk away.
Then spend twenty minutes playing with the cardboard box it arrived in.
That’s useful consumer information.
Our dog product reviews look at what stuff is like after you actually bring it home.
Does the dog like it?
Does it work?
Does it survive?
Is it easy to clean?
Is it worth the money?
And perhaps most importantly:
Would we buy the damn thing again?
Dog Treats: The World’s Easiest Product Review Panel
There are few consumer focus groups more honest than dogs evaluating treats.
Humans will try to be polite.
Humans consider price, packaging, ingredients, branding, ethical sourcing, nutritional claims, and whether something photographs nicely for Instagram.
Dogs have a considerably more efficient evaluation system:
Eat it.
Demand another one.
That’s pretty much five stars.
Our dog treat reviews look beyond whether the dogs inhale them, although that’s admittedly a significant part of the testing process.
We’ll also consider things like ingredients, portioning, packaging, smell, texture, convenience, and value.
Because there’s quite a difference between:
“The dogs love these.”
and:
“The dogs love these, but they’re twelve bucks a bag and apparently made from unicorn tenderloin.”
Grooming: Because Hair Gets Everywhere
Dog ownership involves many wonderful things.
Companionship.
Loyalty.
Adventure.
Unconditional love.
And hair.
Holy shit, the hair.
Hair on the couch.
Hair on the carpet.
Hair in the car.
Hair on clothes you haven’t worn yet.
Sometimes you find dog hair in a room the dog has never entered.
Scientists should study this.
Our grooming reviews cover the brushes, deshedding tools, shampoos, nail-care products, and other equipment intended to keep some percentage of your dog on the dog.
We care about whether something works, but also whether it’s comfortable for the animal and practical for the human holding it.
Because the finest grooming tool ever invented isn’t terribly useful if your dog runs under the dining-room table every time you open the drawer containing it.
Toys: A Durability Test Conducted by Lunatics
Dog toys make some fascinating promises.
TOUGH.
DURABLE.
HEAVY DUTY.
BUILT FOR AGGRESSIVE CHEWERS.
The dog considers these statements a personal challenge.
Some toys last years.
Others experience approximately nine glorious minutes of existence before the living-room floor resembles the aftermath of an explosion at a polyester factory.
That’s why long-term experience matters.
We’ll look at durability, construction, usefulness, entertainment value, cleaning, and whether the thing continues resembling the product pictured on the package after a dog has explained its feelings about it.
Then There’s All the Other Dog Crap
And there’s a lot of it.
Beds.
Bowls.
Leashes.
Harnesses.
Seat covers.
Travel gear.
Carpet cleaners.
Vacuums.
Poop bags.
Storage containers.
Furniture protectors.
Stain removers.
Odor treatments.
Various contraptions intended to remove dog hair from surfaces where dog hair has apparently fused at the molecular level.
Some of these products are genuinely brilliant.
Others solve problems we’re reasonably certain nobody had before somebody invented the product.
We’ll happily investigate both.
Expensive Doesn’t Automatically Mean Better
The pet industry understands one extremely powerful fact:
We love our dogs.
Unfortunately, marketing departments understand this too.
Put a paw print on something, use words like premium, natural, holistic, or veterinarian inspired, and suddenly an object that looks suspiciously like a bowl costs $74.
We’re not automatically against expensive dog products.
If something costs more because it’s better made, lasts longer, works better, or makes life noticeably easier, wonderful.
We’ll say so.
But we’re also perfectly willing to look at something and conclude:
It’s a fucking tennis ball.
Because loving your dog doesn’t require surrendering all financial judgment.
Despite what your dog may have been telling you.
The Dogs Get a Vote
One difference between our regular product reviews and dog product reviews is obvious:
The ultimate customer can’t type.
Or understand return policies.
Or contribute financially despite living here for years.
So whenever possible, we’ll include the dogs’ reaction as part of the review.
Did they love it?
Ignore it?
Destroy it?
Fight over it?
Carry it around?
Become suspicious of it?
Stare at us with the unmistakable expression of an animal wondering why we wasted perfectly good treat money on this nonsense?
Their opinion matters.
After all, they’re the ones using the crap.
We’re merely the idiots paying for it.
So… Should You Buy This Crap for Your Dog?
That’s ultimately what every review is trying to answer.
Not whether the packaging looks nice.
Not whether some influencer’s golden retriever posed handsomely beside it.
Not whether the manufacturer describes it as revolutionary canine enrichment technology.
We want to know whether it’s useful.
Whether it lasts.
Whether the dogs actually like it.
Whether it solves a real problem.
And whether it’s worth exchanging human money for something your dog may immediately bury behind the couch.
Sometimes the answer will be:
Absolutely.
Sometimes:
Sure, if you’ve got the kind of dog who’ll use it.
And occasionally:
No. Buy your dog a cardboard box and spend the remaining $39 on beer.
Welcome to Dog Stuff
Below you’ll find our growing collection of dog product reviews, treats, toys, grooming tools, household gear, travel equipment, and assorted crap accumulated during the ongoing process of being owned by dogs.
Some products make life considerably easier.
Some make dogs considerably happier.
The really good ones accomplish both.
And some arrive in an enormous Amazon box, get ignored completely, and remind us who’s actually in charge around here.
Spoiler:
It’s not us.
Welcome to Dog Stuff.
Let’s find out whether your dog actually needs this crap.
