Expensive Crap That’s Somehow Worth Every Penny
I wanted to hate San Francisco.
Not because the city did anything wrong.
Mostly because people never stop talking about San Francisco.
Every travel list recommends it.
Every California itinerary includes it.
Every photograph looks suspiciously Photoshopped.
At some point you start assuming the place can’t possibly live up to the hype.
Then you visit.
And the annoying thing is that it absolutely does.
The City Is Basically Showing Off
Some cities have one good view.
San Francisco looked at that concept and decided it was for quitters.
You can be standing on a hill looking at the Bay.
Then you turn around and find another hill.
With another view.
Looking at another hill.
Which somehow also has a better view.
The city is basically a flex.
“Oh, you liked that view?”
“Here’s twelve more.”
The Streets Are Either Charming Or Attempted Manslaughter
The streets deserve special recognition.
Not because they’re beautiful.
Because some of them appear to have been designed by a city planner who lost a bet.
You’ll be driving along normally, turn a corner, and suddenly find yourself pointing toward the upper atmosphere.
At one point I wasn’t sure if I needed a parking brake or climbing gear.
Locals simply call this Tuesday.
Every Neighborhood Feels Like A Different Vacation
One of the coolest things about San Francisco is that it doesn’t feel like one city.
It feels like ten smaller cities pretending to get along.
Chinatown feels different than North Beach.
North Beach feels different than the Mission.
The Mission feels different than the Castro.
The Castro feels different than Fisherman’s Wharf.
Every neighborhood has its own food, architecture, culture, history, and personality.
You can spend an entire day wandering and accidentally travel through half a dozen different worlds without ever leaving city limits.
The Golden Gate Bridge Has No Business Looking This Good
Let’s talk about the bridge.
Because I fully expected this thing to disappoint me.
Most famous landmarks are victims of their own marketing.
You’ve seen them in movies.
You’ve seen them in commercials.
You’ve seen them on coffee mugs.
By the time you arrive, you’re already tired of them.
Not the Golden Gate Bridge.
The stupid thing somehow looks fantastic from every angle.
It’s honestly irritating.
Most humans have one good side.
The Golden Gate Bridge apparently has all of them.
Alcatraz Is Worth The Trouble
Everybody visits Alcatraz.
Usually that’s a warning sign.
Tourist attractions popular enough to appear on refrigerator magnets aren’t always great.
This one actually is.
You get prison history.
Military history.
Native American history.
Amazing views of the city.
And the opportunity to spend part of your vacation inside a federal penitentiary.
Which is a unique selling point if nothing else.
The Academy Of Sciences Confused The Hell Out Of Me
Now for the controversial part.
The California Academy of Sciences.
Everybody seems to love this place.
I did not.
Or maybe I was expecting something completely different.
I walked in expecting exhibits.
Artifacts.
Science.
History.
Things in display cases.
Instead I found approximately eleven thousand children aggressively interacting with every surface in the building.
Everywhere I looked there were buttons.
Touchscreens.
Games.
Activities.
Children.
More buttons.
More children.
Then I accidentally found what looked like the only actual artifact in the entire museum.
A moon rock.
An honest-to-God moon rock.
A piece of another celestial body.
Just sitting there.
Like somebody left it out by mistake.
Meanwhile I later found myself in a planetarium watching what appeared to be an animated vegetable encouraging me to eat healthy food.
I thought we were learning about stars.
The carrot apparently disagreed.
Look, if you have small children this place is probably amazing.
If you’re expecting the Smithsonian with dinosaurs and giant artifact collections, adjust expectations immediately.
This place is essentially a science-themed daycare with an excellent moon rock.
The Food Is Outstanding
I’m not going to pretend I have sophisticated culinary opinions.
If I enjoy something, I eat it.
If I really enjoy it, I eat too much of it.
San Francisco made that very easy.
The city has some of the best food variety I’ve encountered anywhere.
Chinese food.
Italian food.
Seafood.
Bakeries.
Street food.
Fancy restaurants.
Tiny restaurants.
Places you’ve never heard of that somehow produce life-changing meals.
The hardest part is deciding where to eat.
The second hardest part is buttoning your pants afterward.
Why I Loved It
San Francisco somehow feels authentic despite being one of the most photographed cities on Earth.
The city has rough edges.
The city has problems.
The city has crowds.
The city has prices that occasionally cause temporary heart failure.
But it also has character.
Real character.
The neighborhoods feel alive.
The history feels real.
The people feel real.
Nothing about it feels manufactured.
Final Thoughts
San Francisco is the rare destination that actually exceeded my expectations.
The views are ridiculous.
The neighborhoods are fascinating.
The bridge deserves every bit of the hype.
Alcatraz is worth visiting.
The food is incredible.
The museum appears to be conducting advanced research into weaponized toddler energy.
And somehow all of it works.
I’d go back tomorrow.
Though next time, I might skip the educational vegetable.
Poop Score: 💩
1 Out of 4 Poops – Excellent Crap
Why?
San Francisco combines incredible scenery, fascinating neighborhoods, world-class history, excellent food, and landmarks that genuinely deserve their reputations.
It’s expensive.
It’s crowded.
Your legs will file complaints about the hills.
But it’s also one of the best cities I’ve ever visited.
That’s excellent crap. 🌉💩
