FORT WORTH, TEXAS – In a touching display of holiday generosity immediately undermined by a highly specific exclusion, a local mother reportedly offered to bring her daughter any pie she wanted for Christmas dinner, provided that pie was not cherry, which witnesses confirm is the only kind of pie the daughter actually likes.
The negotiations began innocently enough.
“What kind of pie would you like me to bring?” the mother asked, opening what the daughter mistakenly believed was a question.
“Cherry.”
“No, I’m not making cherry.”
And thus began a holiday diplomatic crisis rivaling anything ever conducted with flags, translators, and armed peacekeepers.
The daughter, apparently confused about the parameters of the original offer, attempted to clarify.
“But cherry is the kind I want.”
“I know, but I’m not making a cherry pie. I’ll make you whatever else you want.”
“I don’t want anything else.”
“Well, what kind do you want?”
“Cherry.”
“I just said I’m not making cherry.”
“I know. That’s why I’m confused.”
At press time, neither side had made significant progress.
An Unprecedented Level of Choice
Sources close to the dessert negotiations say the mother remained committed to giving her daughter complete freedom to choose from every pie in existence except the one she had chosen.
Apple was reportedly available.
Pumpkin was on the table.
Pecan could be arranged.
Chocolate cream, banana cream, coconut cream and possibly some weird-ass lemon thing nobody had requested were all within the realm of possibility.
Cherry remained strictly forbidden.
“But I’ll make you whatever you want,” Mom reiterated.
“Cherry.”
“Except cherry.”
“Then you’re not making whatever I want.”
“Yes I am.”
“No, you’re making whatever you want me to want.”
Experts believe this was the exact moment Christmas officially began.
Daughter Foolishly Believed Question Had Correct Answer
According to family members, the daughter had initially interpreted the phrase “What kind of pie would you like?” as an invitation to state what kind of pie she would like.
This turned out to be a rookie mistake.
The question was actually believed to be part of an elaborate holiday multiple-choice exam in which the daughter was expected to keep guessing desserts until she landed upon one her mother had already decided to make.
“So… apple?” Mom reportedly suggested.
“No.”
“Pumpkin?”
“No.”
“Pecan?”
“I don’t like pecan.”
“Well, you have to like something.”
“I do.”
There was then a brief, dangerous silence.
“Cherry.”
Investigation Reveals Cherry Pie Ban Applied Exclusively To Daughter
In a stunning development that has further complicated historians’ understanding of the Christmas Pie Crisis, family sources have revealed that the local mother’s refusal to make cherry pie was not, in fact, a refusal to make cherry pie.
She was perfectly willing to make cherry pie.
Just not for her daughter.
According to family testimony, the mother had repeatedly and unequivocally refused her daughter’s request for a cherry pie while simultaneously maintaining an important exception: if her son, a local travel blog author, asked for a cherry pie for himself, she would happily make one.
This was apparently because cherry was his favorite.
Investigators immediately noted that cherry was also the daughter’s favorite, which had been the entire fucking reason this argument existed in the first place.
Experts are still studying why this identical piece of information produced dramatically different pie outcomes depending upon which child it described.
“This changes the case considerably,” explained one family analyst. “We originally believed the mother had some objection to cherry pie. We now know she had an objection to her daughter successfully obtaining one.”
Mother Demonstrates Cherry Pie Technology Was Available Entire Time
The revelation has demolished one of the central assumptions surrounding the dispute: that Mom simply did not want to make a cherry pie.
Apparently she did.
She possessed the ingredients.
She possessed the knowledge.
She possessed the equipment.
She possessed the emotional fortitude necessary to put cherries inside a crust.
What she lacked was any intention whatsoever of deploying these capabilities on behalf of her daughter.
The daughter could request apple.
Mom would make apple.
She could request pumpkin.
Mom would make pumpkin.
She could presumably request chocolate cream, coconut cream, banana cream, or some godforsaken lemon abomination that shows up at Christmas despite nobody remembering inviting it.
But cherry?
Absolutely not.
Unless her brother wanted one.
Then apparently everybody get the fuck out of the kitchen because we’re making cherry pie.
Son Unknowingly Possessed Access To Restricted Dessert
The local travel blog author at the center of the newly discovered exemption reportedly had no idea that his innocent preference for cherry pie placed him within a privileged class of dessert recipients.
He had not petitioned for special treatment.
He had not lobbied Mom.
He had not negotiated a bilateral pastry agreement behind his sister’s back.
He just liked cherry pie.
Unfortunately for his sister, he apparently liked it with the proper security clearance.
Family historians now believe that if the son had asked:
“Mom, will you make me a cherry pie?”
the answer would have been yes.
Had the daughter then pointed out:
“Wait a minute. I asked you for a cherry pie.”
the historical record strongly suggests that Christmas dinner would have immediately entered a phase generally referred to by scholars as Oh For Fuck’s Sake.
Daughter’s Error Was Apparently Being Wrong Child
The new evidence has been particularly frustrating for the daughter, who had previously been led to believe that her request was somehow unreasonable.
It was not.
The requested pie clearly existed.
Mom knew how to make it.
Mom was willing to make it.
The flavor was acceptable.
The recipe was apparently available.
There was no cherry shortage.
There was no equipment failure.
There was no nationwide pastry emergency.
The daughter simply suffered from one insurmountable disadvantage:
She was the daughter.
“Normally, when someone says they won’t make cherry pie, you assume they don’t want to make cherry pie,” explained one expert. “You generally don’t anticipate a footnote reading, ‘unless your brother wants the exact same fucking thing.’”
Previous Offer Of ‘Whatever Pie You Want’ Now Somehow Makes Even Less Sense
The revelation has also renewed scrutiny of Mom’s repeated assurance that she would make her daughter whatever pie she wanted.
Investigators had already characterized the offer as misleading because Mom immediately rejected the only pie her daughter wanted.
The discovery of the son exemption has now elevated the statement from merely contradictory to an advanced branch of mathematics.
“I’ll make you whatever pie you want.”
“Cherry.”
“No.”
“But you’ll make him cherry?”
“If he wants one.”
“I want one.”
“I know.”
“So you’ll make cherry pie?”
“For him.”
“But not for me?”
“Correct.”
“But you just said you’d make me whatever pie I wanted.”
“I will.”
“Cherry.”
“No.”
Experts attempting to diagram the logic reportedly ran out of string.
Officials Clarify Son Could Not Simply Order Pie For Sister
Researchers stressed that the son’s exemption should not be misunderstood as a loophole the daughter could exploit.
The local travel blog author could not simply approach his mother and say:
“Hey, make my sister that cherry pie.”
That would still be a cherry pie for the daughter, which remained strictly prohibited.
The exemption only activated if he wanted the cherry pie for himself.
He could have cherry pie.
She could not have cherry pie.
Both liked cherry pie.
Both were her children.
Both presumably possessed functioning digestive systems.
Nevertheless, one of these individuals had been approved for cherry.
The other had been placed on some kind of fucking watchlist.
Merry Christmas.
Reached for clarification, the mother reportedly expressed frustration that her daughter was making the situation difficult.
“I don’t understand why she won’t just tell me what she wants,” she explained while being reminded for approximately the ninth time that her daughter had, in fact, done exactly that.
Family Analysts Conclude Embargo Was Actually Sanctions Against Specific Individual
Experts have therefore formally withdrawn their earlier description of the policy as a “cherry pie embargo.”
An embargo, they explained, would have prevented the production of cherry pie altogether.
This policy was considerably more targeted.
“This was sanctions,” explained one analyst. “The pie itself was perfectly legal. There was simply a restriction on delivery to one designated individual.”
The son effectively enjoyed unrestricted access to cherry-related materials while his sister remained under comprehensive pastry sanctions for reasons nobody has successfully articulated.
Asked whether the daughter might at least have been permitted to eat a slice of her brother’s cherry pie after Mom made it for him, investigators stared at one another for several seconds before abruptly closing their notebooks.
“No,” one finally said. “No fucking way. We are not opening that investigation.”
With Christmas approaching, authorities have recommended the family accept that Mom was apparently willing to bake precisely the pie her daughter wanted, so long as she could maintain the important principle of not baking it for the person who actually asked her for it.
Historians believe this clarification should finally settle the Christmas Pie Crisis.
Nobody in the family believes them.
Experts Recommend Daughter Buy Her Own Damn Cherry Pie
After hours of stalled negotiations, holiday strategists recommended a radical solution:
Just buy a cherry pie.
The proposal would bypass Mom’s dessert embargo entirely while allowing her to arrive triumphantly carrying a pumpkin pie that nobody asked for.
The family would then have two pies.
Mom would eat hers.
Daughter would eat cherry.
Everyone would be happy.
Unfortunately, experts warn this solution could trigger an entirely new Christmas dispute when Mom walks into the dining room, notices the cherry pie and asks:
“What’s that?”
“A cherry pie.”
“I told you I was bringing pie.”
“You weren’t bringing cherry.”
“Well, you could’ve told me you were buying one.”
“I DID TELL YOU I WANTED ONE.”
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