AUSTIN, TX: After years of insisting that the Cybertruck represented the inevitable future of transportation, Elon Musk reportedly breathed a tremendous sigh of relief this week upon discovering that, under our deliberately stupid hypothetical math, he has enough unsold Cybertrucks to personally drive one for the remainder of his natural life.
“People keep calling this an inventory problem,” said a source close to the situation. “Elon calls it never having to shop for a car again.”
In our completely imaginary scenario, Tesla took Musk’s dream seriously enough to build 250,000 Cybertrucks, only to discover that approximately 20,000 people actually wanted one.
This leaves roughly 230,000 Cybertrucks, a figure traditionally referred to by automobile manufacturers as Jesus Christ, where are we going to put all these things?
Musk apparently sees things differently.
According to sources we just made up, Musk walked through a vast parking lot filled with identical stainless-steel wedges Tuesday morning, spread his arms toward the horizon, and whispered:
“They’re all mine.”
An Automobile for Every Remaining Day of His Life
The good news for Musk is that 230,000 Cybertrucks should comfortably satisfy virtually any conceivable personal transportation requirement.
Assuming he used a brand-new Cybertruck every single day, Musk would have enough inventory for approximately 630 years.
Which means Elon doesn’t merely have a lifetime supply.
He has several lifetimes.
He could drive a brand-new Cybertruck every morning until the year 2656, assuming advances in medical technology eventually allow billionaires to survive exclusively on stem cells, podcasts, and spite.
And that’s without rotating the tires.
This creates an exciting new ownership model in which Musk never actually needs to maintain a Cybertruck.
Flat tire?
Get another Cybertruck.
Windshield cracked?
Cybertruck.
Coffee spilled in the cupholder?
Leave the vehicle where it sits and retrieve another Cybertruck.
Check-engine light?
NEW TRUCK.
After approximately 600 years of this, somebody might finally have to visit a service center.
Fortunately, Elon Knows Some Customers
Of course, one man cannot reasonably be expected to drive 230,000 trucks himself.
Fortunately, Musk happens to know several companies run by a remarkably handsome and familiar gentleman.
Suddenly the solution becomes obvious.
Need vehicles at the company?
Cybertrucks.
Need another company to purchase some vehicles?
Cybertrucks.
Need something for employees to drive?
You’re not going to believe this, but we’ve got Cybertrucks.
Employees arriving Monday morning may therefore discover that the traditional company-car selection process has been dramatically simplified.
EMPLOYEE VEHICLE OPTIONS
- Cybertruck
- Cybertruck
- Cybertruck
- Cybertruck with slightly more bird shit on it
- Walk
“We’re really excited about the flexibility,” explained our imaginary fleet manager. “Employees can choose practically any Cybertruck they want, provided they choose a Cybertruck.”
America Apparently Failed to Understand the Future
Experts believe the fundamental problem with the Cybertruck was never necessarily the Cybertruck itself.
It was the American public’s stubborn insistence on buying vehicles they wanted.
Tesla had confidently presented consumers with a stainless-steel polygon that looked like something a seven-year-old drew while explaining what cars would look like in the year 3000.
Customers responded by purchasing Toyota RAV4s.
This was deeply inconsiderate.
Musk had done his part.
He made the future.
He showed everyone the future.
He parked the future directly in front of them.
And millions of Americans responded:
“Yeah, I’m gonna get the Honda.”
Parking Lots Now Considered Strategic Cybertruck Reserve
Rather than referring to hundreds of thousands of hypothetical leftover vehicles as “unsold inventory,” Tesla insiders have reportedly begun referring to them as the Strategic Cybertruck Reserve.
The reserve exists to protect America against the terrifying possibility that someday everybody might suddenly want a Cybertruck at exactly the same time.
Economists estimate the chances of this happening at somewhere between zero and come on, man.
Nevertheless, preparations must be made.
Future generations may therefore rest comfortably knowing that if civilization collapses, society will have immediate access to enormous quantities of stainless-steel trucks requiring absolutely no additional manufacturing.
Assuming we can remember where we left the chargers.
Employees Asked to Please Look More Enthusiastic
Employees receiving company Cybertrucks have reportedly been encouraged to appear extremely excited while driving them.
Especially near cameras.
Workers have also been issued a handy corporate guide explaining appropriate responses when members of the public extend a middle finger toward the vehicle.
The approved response is:
“Thank you for noticing our innovative mobility solution.”
Employees should not respond:
“It’s a company car. Please stop yelling at me.”
Doing so might negatively affect brand perception.
Musk Announces Revolutionary New Sales Strategy
Industry analysts initially assumed Tesla would eventually discount the remaining trucks.
Musk reportedly rejected this primitive twentieth-century thinking.
The new strategy is vastly more sophisticated:
Wait.
Children will be born.
Those children will grow up.
Some of them may eventually need trucks.
Tesla has trucks.
Problem solved.
At 20,000 hypothetical sales per year, that imaginary 230,000-truck mountain represents 11.5 years of inventory, meaning Tesla wouldn’t necessarily need to manufacture another one until roughly the time today’s elementary-school students start receiving Cybertrucks from their employers.
Musk has therefore achieved something automotive executives have dreamed about for generations:
finishing next decade’s production before lunch.
Historians Expect Musk to Be Proven Right Eventually
Despite criticism, supporters insist history will ultimately vindicate the Cybertruck.
Perhaps humanity simply wasn’t ready.
Maybe in 50 years people will recognize its brilliance.
Maybe in 200.
Fortunately, according to our imaginary inventory numbers, there should still be plenty available.
Future archaeologists excavating twentieth-century landfills may therefore occasionally encounter strange stainless-steel objects in remarkably good condition.
Researchers will initially assume they were religious monuments.
Only after years of study will historians discover the horrifying truth:
They were $100,000 pickup trucks.
And somewhere beneath another 40 feet of sediment will be a small plaque:
PLEASE TAKE ONE.
SERIOUSLY.
WE HAVE 229,438 LEFT.
Important factual/satirical note for publishing: “The 250,000 produced / 230,000 remaining premise in this article is intentionally fictional and used for satire. We are imagining what would happen if Tesla had actually produced Musk’s projected annual Cybertruck volume and then had to deal with the leftovers.”
1 Comment
Pingback: Elon Musk: My Unpaid Marketer | Billionaire Satire