TEXAS — A local man awoke Wednesday morning to discover that the reliably red state in which he had gone to sleep had apparently turned blue overnight, prompting him to immediately check the carbon-monoxide detector, verify the date, and look outside to make sure Texas was still physically attached to the United States.
“I went to bed in Texas,” the visibly confused man said, staring at an election map on his phone. “I have lived here long enough to know what color Texas is. It is red. The dirt is red. The politics are red. Half the barbecue sauce is red. There are probably counties where the stop signs vote Republican.”
He refreshed the map.
Still blue.
He closed the browser.
Reopened it.
Blue.
He switched websites, correctly assuming the first one had obviously suffered some type of catastrophic computer malfunction.
Blue.
“That’s when I started checking the appliances.”
Resident Initially Suspects Wife Changed Wi-Fi Settings
Unable to come up with a reasonable explanation, the man reportedly asked his wife whether she had changed anything overnight.
“No,” she replied.
“You sure?”
“Yes.”
“Did you move us?”
“No.”
“Are we still in Texas?”
“Yes.”
“Then explain this.”
His wife declined, reportedly having more important things to do at 6:47 in the goddamn morning.
The man then cautiously opened the front door.
Texas appeared largely unchanged.
A pickup truck went by.
Another pickup truck went by.
Then a pickup truck went by that appeared capable of transporting either six cattle or a small office building.
Everything seemed normal.
And yet.
Blue.
Governor Orders Staff To Check Garage, Under Couch For Missing Republican Votes
Across the state, Republican officials reportedly began searching underneath couch cushions, behind large furniture, and throughout several thousand square miles of ranch land in an attempt to locate the Texas they distinctly remembered having the previous evening.
“It was right here,” one longtime Republican said. “We had the whole damn thing.”
State officials initially suspected someone from California had taken it.
No evidence supporting this theory was immediately available, although officials agreed it certainly felt right.
“We’d like Californians to return Texas exactly as they found it,” said one resident who had already constructed an elaborate explanation despite having been awake for approximately eleven minutes.
Historians Confirm Texas Is Technically Allowed To Do This
Political historians attempted to calm residents by explaining that states are not permanently assigned political parties and can, in fact, change political alignment as populations, candidates and voters change.
This explanation was rejected as ridiculous.
“You can’t just wake up and Texas is blue,” said one resident. “There should be some kind of alarm.”
Experts explained that there had been an election.
“Yeah, but besides that.”
Analysts confirmed that elections are generally considered the alarm.
Texans Begin Inspecting Personal Property For Signs Of Socialism
By midmorning, anxious residents had begun checking their homes for additional unexplained changes.
Guns: still there.
Pickup: still there.
Grill: still there.
Steaks: still legal.
Cowboy boots: not confiscated.
Air conditioner: running despite it being November.
Property taxes: unfortunately also still there.
Finding the physical infrastructure of Texas largely intact reportedly calmed residents considerably.
“If somebody can just confirm Whataburger is operational, I think we’re going to make it through this.”
Democrats Emerge From Austin To Determine Whether Anyone Else Can See This
Meanwhile, Democrats reportedly began cautiously emerging from Austin and several other metropolitan areas, squinting at the enormous blue patch on the national map like groundhogs investigating an unusually confusing spring.
“Don’t touch it,” warned one Democratic voter. “You’ll scare it.”
Several party officials reportedly stood motionless around the election map for nearly twenty minutes, afraid that refreshing the browser might cause Texas to turn red again.
One eventually took a screenshot.
“That way we have proof.”
Nation Immediately Blames California
Within hours, political analysts began offering complicated explanations involving suburban growth, urbanization, demographics, migration, turnout and changing voting patterns.
The nation considered all of this information carefully before deciding California did it.
“California,” confirmed a man at a Texas diner.
Asked how California had managed to change the votes of millions of Texans from roughly 1,400 miles away, the man paused.
“They’ve got ways.”
No further explanation was provided or apparently necessary.
Local Man Slowly Accepts That Texas Remains Texas
By lunchtime, the shocked resident had begun coming to terms with his new political surroundings.
The sun rose normally.
The electric grid was still doing whatever the Texas electric grid does.
Nobody confiscated the smoker.
The neighbor continued mowing an area roughly the size of Delaware using a zero-turn mower.
A man wearing camouflage purchased 40 pounds of dog food without incident.
Most reassuringly, the mortgage company still expected payment.
“That’s when I knew America was probably going to survive,” the resident said. “Bank still wants its damn money.”
He acknowledged that despite the enormous political significance of the overnight transformation, very little had actually changed about his Wednesday.
He still had to go to work.
Traffic still sucked.
Groceries were still expensive.
Someone was still going to argue about brisket.
The Cowboys were still somehow capable of ruining an otherwise perfectly good Sunday.
Life continued.
Still, before going to bed Wednesday night, the man said he planned to take precautions.
“I screenshotted Texas,” he said.
“I’m checking again in the morning.”
“Because if I wake up and Oklahoma is blue too, I’m calling somebody.”
