San Francisco is a city full of attractions.

There’s the Golden Gate Bridge. Alcatraz. Cable cars. Chinatown. Fisherman’s Wharf. Hills capable of revealing muscles in your legs that medical science hadn’t previously documented.

And then there’s the toilet at Hotel Nikko.

I realize this is not traditionally where a hotel review begins. Nobody books a trip to San Francisco because somebody on the internet told them,“Brother, wait until you take a shit.”

But perhaps they should.

We stayed at Hotel Nikko San Francisco, a Japanese-inspired luxury hotel near Union Square. The location puts you within easy reach of downtown, and the hotel itself offers the sort of amenities you’d expect from an upscale property, including an indoor pool, fitness facilities, sauna, restaurants and rooftop terrace. [ca.hotels.com], [hotels.com]

All very nice.

None of these things sprayed water at my spouse.

At least, I don’t think they did.

First Impressions: Oh Shit, This Is Nice

Walking into Hotel Nikko feels like you’ve accidentally wandered into a considerably higher tax bracket.

Everything is polished, modern and tasteful without crossing over into that weird luxury-hotel territory where a chair looks like a sculpture and you’re afraid sitting in it will result in a $900 charge.

The real payoff, though, comes when you get upstairs.

The views are fantastic.

Hotel Nikko advertises city views as part of several room categories, and those big windows give you that wonderful San Francisco experience where you can stare out across the city and temporarily forget how much money you’re spending to be there. [hotelnikkosf.com]

This is the kind of hotel room where you throw open the curtains, look across San Francisco and say:

“Holy crap.”

Which, coincidentally, brings us to the bathroom.

The Toilet

I have stayed in quite a few hotels.

I have used toilets on multiple continents.

I considered myself reasonably qualified to operate one.

That confidence ended at Hotel Nikko.

Certain accommodations feature exactly the sort of Japanese toilet technology Americans have spent decades foolishly denying themselves: heated seats, bidet functions and controls that make your ordinary home toilet suddenly look like something dug out of Pompeii. [trivago.ca]

There were buttons.

There were symbols.

There were options.

There were enough controls that I wasn’t entirely sure whether the device was designed to wash my ass or launch a weather satellite.

Naturally, one of us started pushing buttons.

I will not reveal whether this person was me or my wife.

Marriage has rules.

Let’s simply say that an unidentified member of our traveling party decided to investigate the Japanese toilet without first consulting the instruction manual.

This was a mistake.

A button was pressed.

There was a mechanical noise.

Then came a stream of water.

Followed almost immediately by a cry for help.

“WHAT DID I DO?”

From somewhere inside the bathroom came additional noises suggesting that humanity had finally created a machine intelligent enough to seek revenge.

I responded in the calm and supportive manner expected of a loving spouse.

I laughed my ass off.

The Instruction Manual Has Entered the Chat

Eventually it became apparent that randomly pressing additional buttons wasn’t improving the situation.

This is presumably why mankind invented instruction manuals.

So there we were in beautiful San Francisco, surrounded by one of America’s great cities, reading documentation on how to successfully operate a toilet.

The instructions were examined.

Buttons were identified.

Functions were discussed.

There may have been another test firing.

There was considerably more laughter.

Eventually peace negotiations were established between human and machine.

And once we actually figured the damn thing out?

Holy hell.

Now I understood.

Americans have apparently been using toilets wrong for our entire lives.

We put men on the moon.

We invented the airplane.

We created the internet.

We developed a phone capable of recognizing your face.

And somewhere along the way Japan looked at the toilet and said:

“Surely we’re not finished with this.”

They weren’t.

Unfortunately, There Is Also a Hotel Attached to the Toilet

Once we managed to tear ourselves away from the bathroom, Hotel Nikko continued being annoyingly good.

There’s a glass-enclosed indoor pool, wellness facilities, sauna, steam room, whirlpool spa, fitness center and an outdoor terrace. [hotelnikkosf.com]

The location near Union Square is also extremely convenient. Current listings put the hotel within a short walk of Union Square and nearby public transportation. [ca.hotels.com]

The rooms are comfortable and modern rather than obnoxiously extravagant. You’re paying for an upscale experience, but it still feels like a place designed for actual human beings to sleep rather than something staged exclusively for an architecture magazine.

And then there are those views.

San Francisco is one of those cities that deserves to be seen from above.

Buildings stacked across hills, streets disappearing between them, the surrounding skyline and that strange mixture of architecture that makes San Francisco immediately recognizable even when you can’t point to a specific landmark.

You can stand at the window drinking coffee and just watch the city.

It was probably my favorite thing about the room.

Second favorite.

Let’s not get ridiculous.

Who Should Stay at Hotel Nikko?

I’d especially recommend Hotel Nikko if you’re looking for:

• An upscale stay near Union Square
• Good access to downtown San Francisco
• Excellent city views
• A pool and substantial wellness facilities
• Comfortable, modern rooms
• A hotel with a little Japanese influence rather than generic corporate-hotel personality
• A sophisticated toilet

That last amenity is difficult to quantify with stars.

The Only Problem With Staying Here

Eventually you have to go home.

And your toilet is going to look pathetic.

You’ll walk into your bathroom after vacation and see the same porcelain peasant you’ve been using for years.

No buttons.

No heated seat.

No precision water delivery system.

Just a handle.

You’ll look at it.

It’ll look at you.

And you’ll both know you’ve changed.

Hotel Nikko has shown you how the other half lives.

Final Verdict: Come for San Francisco, Stay for the Toilet

Hotel Nikko didn’t need the toilet to win me over.

The location is convenient. The hotel is beautiful. The rooms are comfortable. The views are excellent. And the pool and wellness facilities give you somewhere to relax after spending the day climbing San Francisco’s approximately 900 million hills.

It’s a genuinely great home base for exploring the city.

But years from now, when someone asks what I remember about our stay at Hotel Nikko, I’m probably not going to start with the view.

I’m going to remember standing outside a bathroom while an unidentified person yelled for assistance after accidentally engaging a piece of Japanese plumbing technology they didn’t fully understand.

I’m going to remember the frantic search for instructions.

I’m going to remember the stream of water.

Mostly, I’m going to remember the laughter.

And honestly?

That’s a pretty damn good hotel memory.

Should You Buy This Crap? Verdict

Yes.

Well, technically you’re renting this crap for the night.

Come for San Francisco.

Come for the views.

Come for the location.

Come for the pool.

But whatever you do…

read the toilet instructions before you start pushing buttons.

Your spouse will thank you.